Justin bought me a guitar for Christmas.
yes, a guitar…
I haven’t played in close to twelve years. My daddy spent countless hours teaching me when I was young and I would go to my PawPaw’s house on holidays and listen to and watch Daddy and his brothers, along with PawPaw, play and sing. There I’d be, singing along and playing the tambourine. I remember so vividly those days. I can remember how the basement apartment smelled, how cool it was down there and even the way my PawPaw’s hands looked as he played the mandolin and the guitar. If I close my eyes, I can hear Daddy’s beautiful voice along with the baritones of PawPaw and Uncle Bobby. Music is something that has always been a part of me. About twelve years ago, I let someone steal that joy from me. A boy, yes. Here’s the reality though, it wasn’t that boy stealing anything from me, it was the enemy of my soul. I allowed him to steal my song and with it my joy.
So, when Justin gave me my guitar, Mercy (that’s what I named her), there was this insanely beautiful, nostalgic, peace and yet a crippling fear of what if I have completely lost my song. I held her. I smelled her. I strummed and tuned and tuned some more and finally got her just right. As I sat in my bedroom strumming and playing through the five chords I could remember, I cried. I thought about how my whole life has been like me tuning this guitar.
See y’all, when the delivery guy dropped Mercy on my front porch, it was 14 degrees outside. She was COLD. Do you hear me?!? COLD! She needed to be warmed up, tuned up and reminded how beautiful she is…
..Gods been pruning and picking away the ugly. He’s been removing the yuck so I could see crisply, clearly what His purpose was for my life. It took years, intense therapy, lots of ugly, broken relationships with others and myself. It’s taken time and energy and praying relentlessly. It’s remembering daily who fights my battles and refusing to let Satan win. It’s knowing I get to CHOOSE joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self control. It’s being reminded by little people on a daily basis that He is in control of all the things so I don’t have to be. It’s surrender and choosing Him. It’s accepting and receiving His grace and mercy and knowing that I am loved unconditionally. That I am valuable and worthy of love simply because He created me.
I need to be reminded that my song is just that…mine. It can only be taken if I allow it to happen, if I choose it.
Tuning my guitar was absolutely necessary so that it could be used for the exact purpose it was designed. God pruning and fine tuning me, well, that’s the same idea. I can’t be used for His purpose if I’m not fine tuned to hear His voice clearly.
My greatest desire is to honor and glorify Him. I want to have so much Jesus in me that it literally oozes from my pores. I want to feel His love so intensely that it has no choice but to be shown to others. I choose to love. I choose to let love, His love, guide me.
Can I be really honest for a minute? Making the choice to love can be really hard for me. When I say God is fine tuning me, it’s seriously a significantly large undertaking…I mean, I wouldn’t want to be in charge of that department. Yet, just like the patience and fortitude and gentleness I showed when tuning Mercy, God does the same and is even more grand in His ways..in His kindness and patience.
His mercies are new every morning…and for that I am so eternally grateful.
My choice to love hasn’t come easily. Many days choosing to love looks like not arguing with a six year old what outfit to wear. Other days it looks like choosing to love myself and refusing to allow someone to manipulate, guilt or shame me. Some days, choosing love looks like snuggling a cranky two year old when I really want to drink my coffee and read a book. Choosing love is hard for me. It IS a choice though…one I continue to make because if not me, then who?